Praise the President
(a brief satire)
by JR MacLean
April 2024
October 10, 2030
Greetings Cousin Gerald
In the name of the President, we appreciate the enquiry.
The Retributionary Guard started in the very first year of The President’s reign. Now, in year six, it is well established, free, and effective. Freedom is our highest calling our highest value. We answer to no one but The President Himself. Oops. I would be chastised for that capital H. The President, though he doesn’t essentially blame us, in all modesty does not like the capitalization, mostly because some of the more doctrinaire Christians in our base tend to take exception to it. Henceforth I shall use the small aitches while capitalizing them in my mind.
The road to freedom was not easy. There were hiccups in the first couple of years when certain judges took it upon themselves to punish members of the RG for gallowsing certain immigrants and libs who richly deserved it imho. That was all rectified in 2027 when Congress wisely passed the Immunity Doctrine, which allowed The President to cast the protection of absolute presidential immunity to other individuals and groups. We are proud to say that the Retributionary Guard was the first organization to receive this blessing. We now answer to The President and only The President. Long may he reign.
Mind you, he keeps us on a tight leash. For example there is the Doctrine of Minimal Bloodshed. Simply put, The President loves retribution, but does not like the sight of blood. Hence our use of the gallows, which our base embraces for reasons rooted in American history. Nothing says America quite like the spectacle of a good hanging. And our Freedom Convoys are welcomed all over the country, except those pockets in the northeast and west that are thick with communist traitors. The President has also insisted that Ultimate Public Retribution is the final step in a fair and equitable process. Those who refuse the Presidential Allegiance Pledge are free to do so, so long as they pay the Presidential Freedom Tithe, which is set at between two and twenty percent of one’s taxable earnings in a year, pro-rated monthly. Traitors subject to UPR are those who fail to pay or those who take the PAP and are subsequently shown to be supporters of the leftist whack jobs out to destroy our country. Happily, our national institutions such as the FBI, the IRS, Homeland Security, and Neighbourhood Watch have become increasingly helpful in feeding us names deserving of UPR. I can tell you cousin, that there is nothing like donning the MAGA uniform, complete with the red Space Force helmet and bashing down some suburban traitor’s door in the middle of the night, then escorting them by torchlight to the convoy’s lockup. No doubt you have caught some of the live streamings on Truth Social?
Speaking of which, before I address your situation up there in Canada, I want to tell you some exciting news. The President has selected the winning design of the Three Pronged Gallows. Imagine a flatbed truck with not one, not two, but three fold-up gallows, each facing a different direction. This crowd pleasing format is expected to make its debut next Presidents Day, with The President Himself presiding! Oops, I did it again, but let’s face it, He is our country’s saviour! Anyway, we are talking three simultaneous UPR’s streamed live on Truth Social. Also, the zippered white plastic bags into which the bodies of the traitors are dropped are getting a makeover which includes the presidential seal and our own RG seal (gallows on stars and stripes background) displayed prominently on front and back.
I wish you luck in developing your own version of the Retributionary Guard up in Canada.You should know that there is strong talk of RG Special Forces making incursions at many border points to round up the traitors who have fled there in the thousands. I’m told that we are working on a plan to effect a Regime Change up there as the lib commie pinkos obviously stole your latest federal election. The President recently said that it is swiftly becoming a National Security concern what with the troubles we’ve had with a number of northeastern states. But, as The President says, Greatness will Prevail.
On a personal note, cousin Gerald, I look forward to getting up there and we can do some hunting in the near future.
Praise the President!
Franklin Armstrong
Deputy Commander
Northeast Division
Retributionary Guard
